thoughts on the journey

2005-12-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

i would just like to say how absolutely STOKED i am that God loves me!!! and you!!! yes, i am. it's so totally GREAT...amazing and unfathomable. i mean, he wakes me up early in the morning so we can spend time together. i love it.

so i hope you all have a wonderful christmas and celebrate the amazing mystery of emmanuel..."God with us". it's so, SOOOOO awesome.

2005-12-06T08:01:00.000-08:00

good morning!!!

yeah-it's almost christmas and we get to go to California soon!!! I CANT WAIT. i so love california. in fact, when i lived in ohio for 3 years of pure agony (ok, it wasnt THAT bad, but i do remember asking God why, when i grew up in paradise-santa barbara-did he send me to live in HELL?!?, at one point), anyways, i was obnoxious in ohio, raving on and on about CA and how great it was and the food so good and on and on and on. im sure we lost friends because of it-ah well, if they only knew!

i just read a blog by Christy B., (which is funny, btw) in which she complains about homeschoolers and spelling mistakes in chats, and i SWEAR i want to misspell this whole blog! have i told you how when i first started emailing people, i would often almost type in "busty" instead of "busy"? like "dang, we're so BUSTY right now, we cant keep up", or "my dh is so BUSTY and his students are driving him crazy"or, "im so BUSTY" and so on. it would always crack me up...i laugh at myself a lot-and at other people too, actually. like when my dh was telling me yesterday how he flipped over the handlebars of his bike, then when he came in, holding his hands and threw off his helmet, i was like "STOP JOKING...this is lame..." and he was really HURT! oops...but, i do wish i couldve seen it and am glad he wasnt hurt too badly. in fact, i laugh as i write this.

ok, we got a new baby my dh is going to pick up in Colorado this week...here's a pic (i hope)
so...we're really excited and looking forward to some great camping!!! plus, i can paint plein air, which i really want to do, and dont have time to do, cuz im blogging and goofing around online! HELLO.

ive not read any REALLY great, thought provoking books lately, though i am learning a TON from Julie Morgensterns "time managment from the inside out". I HIGHLY recommend this. it's not intimidating and she does a nice job of offering different options to get what ever it is youre doing to work for YOU...not for miss hyper organized...or not for miss super sloppy (comeon, raise your hand-here's mine!). it's really good. ive learned a lot. how blogging fits in to my time management skills?!? good question-one i wont answer.

bye.

2005-11-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

oh, and one more thing about my BAD MOUTHED DD!!!!

she was writing some words today, and got "fan" and "duck" mixed up as she wrote...well, you can guess what came up! what are we teaching her!?!? i had a hard time of it not to crack up, again....just erased it and asked her to write the RIGHT word...LOL

man, as if it's not bad enough she's not reading well, she says and writes "bad" words!!!!

i have to say that one our nicest Ohio friends is SO great to keep calling us after we flake out on them years ago for thanksgiving and also are REALLY bad about calling back! if you read this, you know who you are! and congrats on the new house-send pics.

well...i must go read-why am i wasting time on this machine? i cant get away....Heeeeeelllllppppp....

btw, i can tell people are nervous with the fact that we arent going to church anywhere yet and it's been MONTHS! i used to so be like that...so worried and slightly judgemental...and sometimes not so slightly. im not sure what the next months/years hold for us, but we're trusting God to be clear. sometimes ive thought of him as some capricious one, who is like "ok, here's a little sign, now YOU figure out what's next...hee hee hee" but ive since been made aware that he really wants us to KNOW him and what he's thinking and will be clear. cool. so, we wait. we wait, and we love each other. i think we've grown to love each other even more since we arent going to that church, anyways...and are uninvolved with certain people who shall remain nameless. that's been good, and hard, and good, and hard. i hope i am learning to "set boundries" earlier on in relationships (such psychobabble) so i wont have to do anything drastic like we did, again. dang!!! bleh.

so...that's it.

Shalom

2005-11-21T19:55:00.000-08:00

IM IN A GALLERY!!!!

yup. i am. im so TOTALLY stoked about it. WHooo-Hooooo.

so. that's cool. and as if someone might read this, my website again is...

www.summerjbarry.com

coolio

2005-11-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

ok. so-is anyone reading these? all i get for comments-all 3 of them-are like-"cool blog-check out this ad". argh. what about me?!? comment on what im saying!!! whoa-a little anymosity?!? doh. so, it's that bad? no one likes me? im dumb??? you dont agree and are afraid to tell me?!? *sigh*

im having a little pity-party over here, obviously. so...it' s been beautiful here in Saint George! the BEST fall we've had since we've lived here, seriously. im LOVING it. thanks, God. i needed. i was DREADING more of that blisteringly hot, evil, sun, burning down on me maliciously. so, this weather-overcast some days, even raining!, and a couple days of sun, then back to cloudy. i LOVE it.

my folks are coming for a surprise visit this week-YEAH. my kids dont know-so dont tell. they are in Brigham City, UT, (whereever that is!) for a pastor's retreat-they're vineyard pastors-and will come down here for a couple of days. speaking of them-they are doing an awesome job with "church"...facilitating a community of believers (and some unbelievers) and really loving people. i hold their efforts in my heart as a hope of what we may someday be involved in doing...and as an antidote towards what sort of churchy/religion thing ive seen here (and im not talking about the LDS church, btw).

i SO dont think Jesus had our western churches in mind when he died on the cross for us, do you? my favorite verse in the bible is Galatians 5:1..."Christ set us free for FREEDOM'S SAKE-dont let yourselves be bound by the yoke of slavery again". YES!!! exactly. my other favorite section of the new testament is the story of jesus at the well with the samaritan woman. it's SO cool-i love how he is constantly breaking the social norms...YEH JESUS!!! my main goal in life is to be like him...

well, my kids are doing a chicken mummy tommorrow. im not really looking forward to it, but a friend of ours is doing it with her kids, so i thought i'd participate. ew...my kids are loving the thought, though i dont think it'll be as gross as they're hoping! ah well. the friend we're doing this with lives part time in San Diego, and i must say im extremely jealous about it! im just not stoked about saint george. waaaa...sorry for all the whining.

i'd also like to say that my 10yo dd is a GENIUS. bragging? yes-but...it's true. she DOES have a "mind like a steel trap". im proud. and im glad she's not in public school dealing with crap. i realized she doesnt love Little House on the Prairie like my dh and i did as kids cuz her life is SO DANG GOOD!!! laura's life seems not as good. my life and my dh's life was so not good (generally), that LHONP was like nirvana! 2 parents who consistently LOVED their kids and listened to them and did stuff with them?!? what-impossible. ok, our moms did love us-but...well...it was tough, to sum it up. oops-more waaa? nah-just realism.

anyways-i babble on! ive already written 4 pages in my journal-isnt that enough?!?!

2005-11-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

Bloggers, forgive me, it's been one month since my last blog (almost)...

enough with the funny business-the really cool thing is...i've got my website back up!!! YEAH!!! it is...

www.summerjbarry.com

...and has a lot of my coolest paintings! just a little ad here, so...hope y'all dont mind!

on another note-homeschooling is going well! my dd daughter is getting better and better at reading every day...the funniest thing she's read? She was supposed to read "They also got a locker full of silver coins." but she read "They also got a locker full of...shit." needless to say, i BUSTED up laughing-in fact, im laughing as i type this!!! SOOOOO funny to me. what a bargain for those pirates! LOL a whole locker full. so, she got all offended, poor girl, and ran off crying-bad mommy. it was just too funny....i apologized and explained what sh-- was and why i thought it was funny. she was still not amused. ah well...the twisted mind of an adult, what can i say?

so...im still going through a lot of emotional turmoil. wondering when/if the wringer will end. i read a great quote by someone in TAW...

"In a dark time, the eye begins to see."---Roethke

so true, im finding.

and i found another COOL site for women... http://another.girlatplay.com it's cool-women living their creative dreams, which i what im hoping to do! scary, really, esp. with all the NO NO NO, YOU CANT DO IT crap ive got going on in my mind, but...i WILL press on! so there.

well, that's all. shalom

2005-10-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

Hey there! Did you miss me?

Ok, realistically, I'm guessing not, but that's ok. Ive been thinking a lot about encouragement and what does it really mean? Not in the Webster sense, but in real life. I was watching Extreme Home Makeover the other night at a friends house and a commercial came on for healthy living or something....they had some check list for 5 or 6 healthy choices one could make to be healthier. Every time someone in the commercial made a healthy choice, everyone around them applauded and hugged them and clapped them on the back and other such tokens of encouragement. It made us laugh, it was so cheesy, and yet...IS it cheesy? We're generally so encouraging with babies-all the focus on the first step and how even one little step and we all go wild, etc., but somehow we stop being encouraging at some point, even with our younger children on up, and get more and more discouraging...and with adults-WHEW...really bad! I myself can be and am "helpfully" discouraging more often than not. I dont like that about myself...or in others. So, my thought is, let's encourage the HECK out of each other-like every dumb little thing. not fakely, of course, but...pick up on any little good thing and really compliment the other person, whether kid, grandpa/grandma, self even! that's what im trying to do-not easy for a generally cynical/critical person...but, I WILL change.

so...that's my thought for the day/week/month.

btw...ive decided to back through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron...i went through it once-SO awesome. I was the most focused artistically ever in my whole life! but, that was months ago...so here i am, lagging-freaked out by approaching a gallery with my work/portfolio...totally stalled out! my goal is to get my "studio" put back together and then GET PAINTING and selling. If youve never heard/seen the book, check it out. It's a 12 week program for recovering artists! LOL that me. :)

School's going well, generally, with the girls. TWTM isnt killing us this year, and im glad. My 7 1/2 yo dd is still not reading well, but getting better every day. And my 10yo dd is summarizing paragraphs for history without flipping-a real accomplishment!

Ciao!

2005-09-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

Stuff

Ok, im tired and im trying to get ready for this garage sale tomorrow that im having with a friend...and all my stuff is overwhelming me, like some giant wave at the beach-i can see it, but cant run away fast enough before it crashes down on my head! *sigh* ive too much stuff, and that's a fact. my mom died at 43 (10 years ago), and she had a boat-load of stuff, and being and only child from her, i got all the stuff, and since im emotional about my mom, im emotional about her stuff, which makes it hard to let go of, even if i never use it and it just sits in a box, waiting for something. i think if she'd lived til a good ol' age, it'd be easier on me-well, certainly it would, cuz i wouldnt have all this stuff-she still would! but, when she did go, i could be ok with letting go of things, rather than keep them cuz they're all ive got of my mom.

so-that's it on stuff-nothing exciting-just some whining, really.

it's been sort of a weird week. homeschooling is wearing me out. i want to do a good job and help my kids learn, but---it's not really my natural gifting, and so it's a struggle for me. i also had some interaction with a homeschool group we used to go to, until they got all weirdy, and that was uncomfortable. plus the ongoing saga of "breaking up" with those people we've known for a long time (i feel horrible about it, btw). plus going through all the STUFF. aaackkkk. so. im pathetic! LOL

ok-this is the dumbest thing ever. im done.

2005-09-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

Community
I've been thinking a lot about community lately. today i was talking to a friend that admitted she's been struggling a TON with depression, and she told me about her bil and sil who just split up cuz he beat the crap out of their dd. *sigh* i wonder...if they were involved more in community, would it get so bad? i know people dont do everything for others-but there is something about that connection that we all need-and when we arent getting it, and dont even know we're missing it----what then? i think that's what hurt a ton about leaving the church we went to for 7 years-through a series of circumstances, we realized that 1/2 the people at this small church we didnt even REALLY know!!! at all. sure they were nice. sure we smiled and said hi and even maybe hugged-but when it came right down to it, they agreed with a man who compared women in leadership to satan-DOH! wait...back up...you AGREE!!! yes...so, we left. there wasnt community-knowing!

it's weird to me to think about God-perfect and all-creating us for relationship with Him. like, He had everything, without a bunch of headaches, and we come along-and He loves so tenderly-like babies and children...so tenderly does He love us. i cant get my mind around it! and he wanted relationship (and im saying "he" sort of loosely, in a way, well aware that both men women are created in the image of God...) so badly...and so do we, created in that image.

anyways, my folks in northern california are working at creating some cool community of believers. it absolutely KILLS me to not be up there and part of it-even when it's messy....like when someone was maybe going to kill them (seriously!!!) or when someone else was finally caught abusing their own daughter (yup-messy) and yet...they are working at creating community with all broken, healing people...i WANT IT!!! and i ask myself and my dh, how do we do it here, in southern utah? it seems absolutely impossible! and yet, there's my friend, lonely, overwhelmed-needing community!

ive lived as part of a community-communal living-when i was 16-18. it was AWESOME and stinkingly hard, too. but more awesome and i look back fondly, and longingly, for it. i miss it! *sigh*

well...community. if anyone reads this, what are YOUR thoughts on community?

shalom

2005-09-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

The first week of school is going well-yeh!

One of the "rules" in my daughters writing book suggests limiting the use of exclamation marks-i find that INCREDIBLY difficult!! im an excited person, so...what can i do?!?

anyways-school is going well-tho' it is taking a long time each day to figure it all out, and i wasnt as prepared as i shouldve been-but, since im struggling with perfectionism anyways-i think im doing great! :)

modern dance classes started up again for the girls-and ME! :) yup-at 36 and lumpy, im finally taking a dance class. it's been a huge step out for me-and you wouldnt believe the negative self-talk that was going on in my head during class. DANG! it was bad. i kept telling it to shut up-but...it's persistent. i wonder what kind of crap i heard growing up, if that's all in there still at 36?!? horrible-i feel sad for my little girl self.

im reading anne lamott's Blue Shoe-it's...good...i think i like it even more for all the descriptions of the bay area-i REALLY miss california, esp. as the summer drags on here. whenever i think utahns are arrogant about utah (and they can be, trust me), i think of how i feel about CA and can empathize a bit more, so i dont find them so obnoxious. :/

we broke up with some people we've known for the last 7 years, yesterday. my dh gave on of them the bad news that we dont trust them, and how can we be in a relationship with people we dont trust? we feel absolutely HORRIBLE about it...but...the relationship has been unhealthy for years, and we stayed in for many reasons, some good, some not as good-and so...hopefully it's done. they like drama, so who knows-it's a bit hard to believe it could be this "easy"...as if that's the right word for a decision we've agonized about for months, if not years.

anyways, im thanking my Abba that the girls are liking school-and speaking of, it's time to go do it! :) i look forward to when both are more independant...soon enough, my one dd is more there than the other.

btw, i want to learn spanish, and think all americans should learn it fluently!

2005-09-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Good morning.

talked with a friend yesterday about the sort of surrealness of blogging. she agreed it's weird, but she likes it! that's probably why we're friends-she likes weird things. ;)

our tile FINALLY came in for the kitchen countertops-it's LOVELY...im going to post before and after pics when it's all done-well, at least mostly done-the floor might be sometime longer. im looking forward to getting started on it...but, as the book says "careful planning is key", so, i wait.

figured out the girls 1st week schedule-DANG...they'll be busy, that's for sure. no more getting done by lunch, which is when I get done and antsy. they personally dont seem to care about time-i dont get it. the blessings of youth! LOL. no idea how fast it eventually goes. we SO arent made for a timeline. i really have NOT had enough time to do everything i want to do-even if i die when im, say, 90...it wont have been enough time! we were made for eternity, i realize more and more. eternity and no death! death is really the clincher for me-that's when ive FINALLY had it with this life. it's so not right. so not the way it's supposed to be, it makes me really angry, quite honestly. *sigh* whoa-that was a tangent from the beginning of that parapgraph-how did that happen?

im really frustrated by the lack of community here. i read all these great books by people who are part of these great communities, and im out here twiddling my thumbs in the desert! ok...im impatient, but...still. what does our Abba have us here for, anyways?!? (btw, abba, means "daddy" i guess, in aramaic or arabic, cant remember which.) i know he's not one to torture people just for fun, so i TRY and be content and patient. but, that's not really my strong suite. grrrr.....i just want hope...hope that this is all for some reason and purpose, and, honestly, i DO think it is-i just get bugged with the time it's taking! my 1st choice would be to move back up to arcata, CA and participate in the community up there. i LOVE it up there-we all do! but, here we are-on an accelerated growth program!

im praying for rain today. i LOVE the rain, and miss it living here. there are some lovely clouds in the sky and the sunrise was BEAUTIFUL this morning...but...i'd like some rain-i miss foggy mornings and drizzly weather.

2005-08-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

"Don," he said. "If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are realy following Jesus."----Bill in Blue Like Jazz

WHOA!!! this really got me! it's so true, and so beyond us...and yet, it's exactly what jesus calls us to do. when i was almost going to give birth to my oldest i had the WEIRDEST dream (typical) except this one really DID mean something! i was laying on a table in a delivery room-very 50's style, but no stirrups-whew! there was this weird technicolor landscape out the wide, narrow window, sort of a Gone with the Wind deal, which SO isnt me. after i'd had the baby, a TON of people were standing around the table i was laying on asking fervently "what's her name? what's her name? what's her name???" over and over again. i sat up suddenly, thrust my fist into the air and said "Her name...is...FREEDOM!!!". and then i woke up! about 7 years later my Abba told me what the dream meant-that by having kids i'd know TRUE freedom-death to self! aint THAT the case! it's a painful death...but thankfully im getting some opportunity to become less self-absorbed. tough. i so often complain (ok, an understatement!) about having to pick up the dirty dish for the 6oooth time, or putting the new t.p. roll on the roller, or...and yet-all opportunities to die to myself.

whew...amazing.

ive been thinking of what some author said about the negative power of pruning-of thinking that someone might need a little direction this way-snip, snip. and so instead of encouraging them, we run around snip snipping at each other! sick. i was snip snipped to death as a child-nothing was "good enough"! i still have a hard time accepting good enough in myself, and im sorry to admit, in others sometimes, to. my honey told me a horrible story yesterday, of a snipping that happened to a friend of his, a fellow teacher in her 40's.

they were having this conversation about writing and she was saying how she wished she would write, and so my honey asked her why she didnt. she said that as a child she wrote ALL the time, and at 10-ish was completely inspired by the C of N by Lewis. she made up a story of some kids who find a wardrobe etc, but the similarity ended there, and she made up whole different worlds etc, and would write for hours and hours about them! until....her parents sat her down and explained to her about plagarism. PLAGARISM!!!! im sick-im so sickened by that. and sad. but how often do i do it to my own kids? maybe not as sickening as that-so obviously duh-but...other ways-snip snip! i think i want to be MUCH more encouraging-not fakey, just full of love and compassion. i want to BE that way....more often then not. that's my prayer for today, as well as the other one about dying to self, which really go together.

so that's it. my goals for the day-for the next minute, to keep them manageable! i dont even know HOW to let good enough be good enough. i really dont-*sigh*.

2005-08-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

hi! it's been a GREAT day! ) we got up early for the girls 2nd tennis lesson, which im VERY happy they loved! i think it helps that there are only 3 girls in the class, and they're friends with the other one. their teacher is a very nice gal. a much better experience so far than soccer!!! what a nightmare on so many levels.lol whoa-im overusing those exclamation points again.

got the giant box of books and fun stuff from rainbow resource-i was really excited, the girls were like-"wooo-hooo". HELLO! i just spent a ton of money to make the middle ages interesting-LOVE IT! need to get a loose schedule going soon,esp since we start next tuesday, though what with tennis and the orthodontist, dont see when! the ortho is going to be mad-i didnt get my dd's teeth pulled in the last 6 weeks! doh. we were remodeling our kitchen, COMPLETELY-i didnt have time to do much else but that, so...oh well.

i was reading last night in Blue like Jazz-did i say fabulous? i like what don miller has to say about "selling" christianity, and how he'd never felt comfortable with it (ditto) and finally realized that he just wants to share this awesome relationship with jesus (and i say my dad, too)!it SO put in to words what ive thought for a long time-i dont want to sell the "system" or "make" someone buy it all, but just share jesus and my abba! yup...just that. :) i feel free of those dang expectations to be some sort of scare-evangalist. thank you, don!!! we are all so wondering what in the heck we are doing half the time-life is strange.

i guess i dont get to make it on the well trained mind blog board-well, at least not yet! that's ok. i was thinking of changing the name-this sounds so neg-to something like...um...thoughts on the journey. wrote it the other day in my regular journal and thought its really more what im thinking. but is the whole point really to have someone read? or to just think, in writing? hmmm...

2005-08-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, Im not really sure what im doing, but am hoping that by blogging, i may be able to have a conversation with someone in person, without talking their ear off! I always try and blame it on too much coffee-but im thinking that it's possible i just want to dominate the conversation...not sure.

i homeschool. yes, i think it's crazy-i grew up not even really wanting to have kids (or a husband, for that matter) and here i am with both AND homeschooling! and honestly-i like it all!!! who wouldve known. sure, we've our intense arguements in the last 15 years...and as my 10yo dd said a while ago: "i think of marriage as a wrestling match" (ahem, what does that say about us, anyways?!?) SORT of funny? well, i think it is, but...scary too. SHE wont have any misconceptions about the joys and hardships of marriage, that's certain! but anyways....so, we love each other and by God's grace love and forgive each other! and often get some GREAT perks, which i wont go into, as i dont want to freak anyone out! LOL this is not THAT kind of blog, hello!!!

you know, this is sort of a bizarre form of communication! journaling with the sort of scary/hopeful feeling that someone will actually read all this and respond...strange, really! i journal everyday, on paper, but know that really only God will read it-and even he gets bored with my babbling, im sure-well, he probably thinks it's sort of pathetically cute, but im just thinking of how i felt about my own when they were babies, so not sure.

anyways-i homeschool, and am busy getting ready to start after labor day. the girls are listening to the Last Battle for the 600th time on CD (which, btw, is fabulous...patrick stewart, the cutest bald guy around, reads this one). we are using SOTW this year, though last time i used it i seriously burnt out and unschooled for a month afterwards! im hoping that this year my perfectionism wont get the best of me! we'll see. so, im figuring stuff out and hoping for the best.

OH MY GOSH, im monolouging again...lol...i guess that's the point of blogging, eh?

speaking of perfectionism-it's a curse, i tell you! dont let martha stewart fool you!!! A CURSE.

so...i just turned 36 too. it's

OMG...im SOOOOO excited i refound this post...i said a lot of other, REALLY funny stuff, but it all go replaced-so...too bad!

i think i said something about running away to india and leaving all this behind, BUT for the grace of God!!! REALLY! without it, id be dead, or maybe even more pathetic than i can be at times. so...

did i profusely recommend Plan B by anne lamott yet? it's FABULOUS...absolutely fabulous. ok, i dont agree with everything she says-so?!? it's till well worth reading and so REAL. love it.
and i also recommend Blue Like Jazz by don miller-1/4 of the way through and am loving it too-i hope he's as REAL as his writing. i love it. :)