Stuff

Ok, im tired and im trying to get ready for this garage sale tomorrow that im having with a friend...and all my stuff is overwhelming me, like some giant wave at the beach-i can see it, but cant run away fast enough before it crashes down on my head! *sigh* ive too much stuff, and that's a fact. my mom died at 43 (10 years ago), and she had a boat-load of stuff, and being and only child from her, i got all the stuff, and since im emotional about my mom, im emotional about her stuff, which makes it hard to let go of, even if i never use it and it just sits in a box, waiting for something. i think if she'd lived til a good ol' age, it'd be easier on me-well, certainly it would, cuz i wouldnt have all this stuff-she still would! but, when she did go, i could be ok with letting go of things, rather than keep them cuz they're all ive got of my mom.

so-that's it on stuff-nothing exciting-just some whining, really.

it's been sort of a weird week. homeschooling is wearing me out. i want to do a good job and help my kids learn, but---it's not really my natural gifting, and so it's a struggle for me. i also had some interaction with a homeschool group we used to go to, until they got all weirdy, and that was uncomfortable. plus the ongoing saga of "breaking up" with those people we've known for a long time (i feel horrible about it, btw). plus going through all the STUFF. aaackkkk. so. im pathetic! LOL

ok-this is the dumbest thing ever. im done.

Community
I've been thinking a lot about community lately. today i was talking to a friend that admitted she's been struggling a TON with depression, and she told me about her bil and sil who just split up cuz he beat the crap out of their dd. *sigh* i wonder...if they were involved more in community, would it get so bad? i know people dont do everything for others-but there is something about that connection that we all need-and when we arent getting it, and dont even know we're missing it----what then? i think that's what hurt a ton about leaving the church we went to for 7 years-through a series of circumstances, we realized that 1/2 the people at this small church we didnt even REALLY know!!! at all. sure they were nice. sure we smiled and said hi and even maybe hugged-but when it came right down to it, they agreed with a man who compared women in leadership to satan-DOH! wait...back up...you AGREE!!! yes...so, we left. there wasnt community-knowing!

it's weird to me to think about God-perfect and all-creating us for relationship with Him. like, He had everything, without a bunch of headaches, and we come along-and He loves so tenderly-like babies and children...so tenderly does He love us. i cant get my mind around it! and he wanted relationship (and im saying "he" sort of loosely, in a way, well aware that both men women are created in the image of God...) so badly...and so do we, created in that image.

anyways, my folks in northern california are working at creating some cool community of believers. it absolutely KILLS me to not be up there and part of it-even when it's messy....like when someone was maybe going to kill them (seriously!!!) or when someone else was finally caught abusing their own daughter (yup-messy) and yet...they are working at creating community with all broken, healing people...i WANT IT!!! and i ask myself and my dh, how do we do it here, in southern utah? it seems absolutely impossible! and yet, there's my friend, lonely, overwhelmed-needing community!

ive lived as part of a community-communal living-when i was 16-18. it was AWESOME and stinkingly hard, too. but more awesome and i look back fondly, and longingly, for it. i miss it! *sigh*

well...community. if anyone reads this, what are YOUR thoughts on community?

shalom

The first week of school is going well-yeh!

One of the "rules" in my daughters writing book suggests limiting the use of exclamation marks-i find that INCREDIBLY difficult!! im an excited person, so...what can i do?!?

anyways-school is going well-tho' it is taking a long time each day to figure it all out, and i wasnt as prepared as i shouldve been-but, since im struggling with perfectionism anyways-i think im doing great! :)

modern dance classes started up again for the girls-and ME! :) yup-at 36 and lumpy, im finally taking a dance class. it's been a huge step out for me-and you wouldnt believe the negative self-talk that was going on in my head during class. DANG! it was bad. i kept telling it to shut up-but...it's persistent. i wonder what kind of crap i heard growing up, if that's all in there still at 36?!? horrible-i feel sad for my little girl self.

im reading anne lamott's Blue Shoe-it's...good...i think i like it even more for all the descriptions of the bay area-i REALLY miss california, esp. as the summer drags on here. whenever i think utahns are arrogant about utah (and they can be, trust me), i think of how i feel about CA and can empathize a bit more, so i dont find them so obnoxious. :/

we broke up with some people we've known for the last 7 years, yesterday. my dh gave on of them the bad news that we dont trust them, and how can we be in a relationship with people we dont trust? we feel absolutely HORRIBLE about it...but...the relationship has been unhealthy for years, and we stayed in for many reasons, some good, some not as good-and so...hopefully it's done. they like drama, so who knows-it's a bit hard to believe it could be this "easy"...as if that's the right word for a decision we've agonized about for months, if not years.

anyways, im thanking my Abba that the girls are liking school-and speaking of, it's time to go do it! :) i look forward to when both are more independant...soon enough, my one dd is more there than the other.

btw, i want to learn spanish, and think all americans should learn it fluently!

Good morning.

talked with a friend yesterday about the sort of surrealness of blogging. she agreed it's weird, but she likes it! that's probably why we're friends-she likes weird things. ;)

our tile FINALLY came in for the kitchen countertops-it's LOVELY...im going to post before and after pics when it's all done-well, at least mostly done-the floor might be sometime longer. im looking forward to getting started on it...but, as the book says "careful planning is key", so, i wait.

figured out the girls 1st week schedule-DANG...they'll be busy, that's for sure. no more getting done by lunch, which is when I get done and antsy. they personally dont seem to care about time-i dont get it. the blessings of youth! LOL. no idea how fast it eventually goes. we SO arent made for a timeline. i really have NOT had enough time to do everything i want to do-even if i die when im, say, 90...it wont have been enough time! we were made for eternity, i realize more and more. eternity and no death! death is really the clincher for me-that's when ive FINALLY had it with this life. it's so not right. so not the way it's supposed to be, it makes me really angry, quite honestly. *sigh* whoa-that was a tangent from the beginning of that parapgraph-how did that happen?

im really frustrated by the lack of community here. i read all these great books by people who are part of these great communities, and im out here twiddling my thumbs in the desert! ok...im impatient, but...still. what does our Abba have us here for, anyways?!? (btw, abba, means "daddy" i guess, in aramaic or arabic, cant remember which.) i know he's not one to torture people just for fun, so i TRY and be content and patient. but, that's not really my strong suite. grrrr.....i just want hope...hope that this is all for some reason and purpose, and, honestly, i DO think it is-i just get bugged with the time it's taking! my 1st choice would be to move back up to arcata, CA and participate in the community up there. i LOVE it up there-we all do! but, here we are-on an accelerated growth program!

im praying for rain today. i LOVE the rain, and miss it living here. there are some lovely clouds in the sky and the sunrise was BEAUTIFUL this morning...but...i'd like some rain-i miss foggy mornings and drizzly weather.