"Don," he said. "If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are realy following Jesus."----Bill in Blue Like Jazz

WHOA!!! this really got me! it's so true, and so beyond us...and yet, it's exactly what jesus calls us to do. when i was almost going to give birth to my oldest i had the WEIRDEST dream (typical) except this one really DID mean something! i was laying on a table in a delivery room-very 50's style, but no stirrups-whew! there was this weird technicolor landscape out the wide, narrow window, sort of a Gone with the Wind deal, which SO isnt me. after i'd had the baby, a TON of people were standing around the table i was laying on asking fervently "what's her name? what's her name? what's her name???" over and over again. i sat up suddenly, thrust my fist into the air and said "Her name...is...FREEDOM!!!". and then i woke up! about 7 years later my Abba told me what the dream meant-that by having kids i'd know TRUE freedom-death to self! aint THAT the case! it's a painful death...but thankfully im getting some opportunity to become less self-absorbed. tough. i so often complain (ok, an understatement!) about having to pick up the dirty dish for the 6oooth time, or putting the new t.p. roll on the roller, or...and yet-all opportunities to die to myself.

whew...amazing.

ive been thinking of what some author said about the negative power of pruning-of thinking that someone might need a little direction this way-snip, snip. and so instead of encouraging them, we run around snip snipping at each other! sick. i was snip snipped to death as a child-nothing was "good enough"! i still have a hard time accepting good enough in myself, and im sorry to admit, in others sometimes, to. my honey told me a horrible story yesterday, of a snipping that happened to a friend of his, a fellow teacher in her 40's.

they were having this conversation about writing and she was saying how she wished she would write, and so my honey asked her why she didnt. she said that as a child she wrote ALL the time, and at 10-ish was completely inspired by the C of N by Lewis. she made up a story of some kids who find a wardrobe etc, but the similarity ended there, and she made up whole different worlds etc, and would write for hours and hours about them! until....her parents sat her down and explained to her about plagarism. PLAGARISM!!!! im sick-im so sickened by that. and sad. but how often do i do it to my own kids? maybe not as sickening as that-so obviously duh-but...other ways-snip snip! i think i want to be MUCH more encouraging-not fakey, just full of love and compassion. i want to BE that way....more often then not. that's my prayer for today, as well as the other one about dying to self, which really go together.

so that's it. my goals for the day-for the next minute, to keep them manageable! i dont even know HOW to let good enough be good enough. i really dont-*sigh*.

hi! it's been a GREAT day! ) we got up early for the girls 2nd tennis lesson, which im VERY happy they loved! i think it helps that there are only 3 girls in the class, and they're friends with the other one. their teacher is a very nice gal. a much better experience so far than soccer!!! what a nightmare on so many levels.lol whoa-im overusing those exclamation points again.

got the giant box of books and fun stuff from rainbow resource-i was really excited, the girls were like-"wooo-hooo". HELLO! i just spent a ton of money to make the middle ages interesting-LOVE IT! need to get a loose schedule going soon,esp since we start next tuesday, though what with tennis and the orthodontist, dont see when! the ortho is going to be mad-i didnt get my dd's teeth pulled in the last 6 weeks! doh. we were remodeling our kitchen, COMPLETELY-i didnt have time to do much else but that, so...oh well.

i was reading last night in Blue like Jazz-did i say fabulous? i like what don miller has to say about "selling" christianity, and how he'd never felt comfortable with it (ditto) and finally realized that he just wants to share this awesome relationship with jesus (and i say my dad, too)!it SO put in to words what ive thought for a long time-i dont want to sell the "system" or "make" someone buy it all, but just share jesus and my abba! yup...just that. :) i feel free of those dang expectations to be some sort of scare-evangalist. thank you, don!!! we are all so wondering what in the heck we are doing half the time-life is strange.

i guess i dont get to make it on the well trained mind blog board-well, at least not yet! that's ok. i was thinking of changing the name-this sounds so neg-to something like...um...thoughts on the journey. wrote it the other day in my regular journal and thought its really more what im thinking. but is the whole point really to have someone read? or to just think, in writing? hmmm...

Ok, Im not really sure what im doing, but am hoping that by blogging, i may be able to have a conversation with someone in person, without talking their ear off! I always try and blame it on too much coffee-but im thinking that it's possible i just want to dominate the conversation...not sure.

i homeschool. yes, i think it's crazy-i grew up not even really wanting to have kids (or a husband, for that matter) and here i am with both AND homeschooling! and honestly-i like it all!!! who wouldve known. sure, we've our intense arguements in the last 15 years...and as my 10yo dd said a while ago: "i think of marriage as a wrestling match" (ahem, what does that say about us, anyways?!?) SORT of funny? well, i think it is, but...scary too. SHE wont have any misconceptions about the joys and hardships of marriage, that's certain! but anyways....so, we love each other and by God's grace love and forgive each other! and often get some GREAT perks, which i wont go into, as i dont want to freak anyone out! LOL this is not THAT kind of blog, hello!!!

you know, this is sort of a bizarre form of communication! journaling with the sort of scary/hopeful feeling that someone will actually read all this and respond...strange, really! i journal everyday, on paper, but know that really only God will read it-and even he gets bored with my babbling, im sure-well, he probably thinks it's sort of pathetically cute, but im just thinking of how i felt about my own when they were babies, so not sure.

anyways-i homeschool, and am busy getting ready to start after labor day. the girls are listening to the Last Battle for the 600th time on CD (which, btw, is fabulous...patrick stewart, the cutest bald guy around, reads this one). we are using SOTW this year, though last time i used it i seriously burnt out and unschooled for a month afterwards! im hoping that this year my perfectionism wont get the best of me! we'll see. so, im figuring stuff out and hoping for the best.

OH MY GOSH, im monolouging again...lol...i guess that's the point of blogging, eh?

speaking of perfectionism-it's a curse, i tell you! dont let martha stewart fool you!!! A CURSE.

so...i just turned 36 too. it's

OMG...im SOOOOO excited i refound this post...i said a lot of other, REALLY funny stuff, but it all go replaced-so...too bad!

i think i said something about running away to india and leaving all this behind, BUT for the grace of God!!! REALLY! without it, id be dead, or maybe even more pathetic than i can be at times. so...

did i profusely recommend Plan B by anne lamott yet? it's FABULOUS...absolutely fabulous. ok, i dont agree with everything she says-so?!? it's till well worth reading and so REAL. love it.
and i also recommend Blue Like Jazz by don miller-1/4 of the way through and am loving it too-i hope he's as REAL as his writing. i love it. :)